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08-02-2015, 08:25 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-01-2022, 01:04 AM by Fearless Community.
Edit Reason: Fixed Encoding
)
Well many of you may know by now, but for those of you who don't know, please click the spoiler below.
Throughout this goodbye thread I will be expressing my deep sorrows and regrets for what I have done, but I am not doing this for sympathy because that is not something I deserve. I made my choice and so I must live with it and I hate being looked down a pawn and for people to feel pity for me. Mistakes will be made, lessons will be learned.
The Beginning
I was first introduced to Garry's Mod through a friend named Hooter++, and I would soon grow to become addicted to the game's free-build gamemode as he and I would happily spend hours on it building, learning, and having NPC wars between each other. I wanted more, though. Freebuild quickly became boring and then that is when he introduced me to Fearless.
I was instantly hooked, and my career as an FL player would then begin with a ban for healing as a paramedic during a raid in the Nexus labs on v2d. The next day, I would then get my friend banned for he was a Police Officer and there was a dictator. Through my very wonderful thought process, I came up with the idea of him revolting against the government as an Officer so that he would have free access to the Nexus. I told him to be the distraction while I charged up the Nexus to the President's office to end his life, but my great plan would soon be foiled as an admin would ban my friend for multiple attempted RDMs. But despite him getting banned and feeling a little guilt for that, I would continue on and surpass all of my friends in hours very quickly as FL was something that I couldn't seem to put down. It was a whole new world of excitement, violence, and roleplay (something that I had never heard of before). But me, being the very antisocial person that I was (and still somewhat am today) would soon sink down into his own little contrafarming corner for the next few hundred hours until one of the greatest things of my FL life happened.
(Oh yeah, and then I also got banned for building a base with a wall that went all the way up to the skybox because I saw someone else do it and I thought that seemed like a good idea *slow claps*)
The Shadow Associate Agency
In my opinion, clans can really make the game for you because FL is a hell of a lot more fun when you have friends to accompany you an your journeys throughout the many hundreds of hours on the gamemode. For me, the S.A.A. was everything because it gave me friends, something to work towards, and a promising future for my FL career. I was surrounded by great people that cared for each other and me as well, and I only wish that I could have showed it more during my time. I am not a very trusting person, but I can wholeheartedly say that I trust every single one of these guys in the agency with everything and they have my everlasting thanks for that. I have been through more with them than any other petty friendship that I've had in real life and the comradeship that has formed from those experiences (to my hopes) will never be broken or withered by the sands of time.
Throughout my time in the agency I had been trained brutally, worked through endless exercises, and taught great amounts of discipline that would help keep my on the right path in FL. SAA wasn't just the greatest thing to happen to me on FL, it was also one of the greatest things to happen to me overall - real life and online. My loner status throughout my school gave me very few people to talk to and very few people to trust, but my friends in this clan gave me people to talk to and laugh with. I was finally having fun with others despite my fears of others after many years of being bullied in school.
We have been through wars, great times of peace, extremely long times of inactivity, and endless times of fun and laughter together. For all of this, I want to thank every agent, currently active or not, for making this all possible.
Fearless Moderator
Many of the newer members may not know this, but I'm sure some of the older ones do, but I have had two terms of being a moderator on the Fearless servers. My first term was that of spring of 2013, and I would say that I was very happy with how I conducted myself during that term. I attempted to be as fair and, most of all, understanding of others as much as possible during that and I probably gave out more warnings and blacklists than bans. I often times contemplated if I was too lenient or not, and whether my idea of being understanding was just that of weakness and ignorance of others. But regardless of my thoughts, my enjoyment of Garry's Mod in general was beginning to fade as I was beginning to grow tired of everything and I felt that I needed a break.
I would eventually resign and soon Enzyme would take my place as moderator.
Then comes my second term as moderator, and I tried to follow my old code as much as possible: banning is a last resort and should always be taken as such. My idea on blacklists is that they are much more effective and appropriate than bans for if you're banned, you can always go up and do something else and not worry about FL until the next day. But a blacklist makes you stay online and live with your mistake, live with your choice so that you are forced to learn what you did wrong.
All Good Things Come to an End
Now here comes it all, here comes the moment where I jumped off the deep end and made one of the worst decisions of my life. Now I can see many of you just thinking that it is a game and there are thousands of others out there that I can go and play, "Getting banned from one server isn't the end of the world." This is an end of a part of my life, though. I threw away 2,815 hours in one night where I was swept up in all the panic, hysteria, and chaos that was engulfing the city. I am going to make this perfectly clear, I am not trying to make it seem like I am the victim here. I am just as guilty as everyone else and I would even hold myself as more guilty than any person that came on just to destroy the server.
The city was in chaos, cars were being flung into the air, people were giving their items away causing turmoil and death as people rushed after millions of dollars. And now, almost every admin had resigned and there were only ex-administrators around to help defend it but we chose not to. I chose the side I did, and that was to cause havoc as well even though when I signed up for the job to be a server moderator, I made a silent promise to protect the server and the community that makes it up. I forgot why I was leaving to help create the new community, I forgot that it wasn't the Fearless community but Soul and his leadership. I became drunk on mob mentality and my own stupidity and began to take part in the tranquilizing of the people below the Tides Hotel and around AM PM on v33x. The Fearless community had been damaged in such a way it will never be the same; not to say it won't recover, but it certainly lost something that may never return. I chose to break it down even more for reasons I don't completely understand, and that is the worst part about it. I don't completely understand why I did what I did but that does not matter.
All good things have an end, and I guess this isn't exactly how I wanted this part of my life to leave me. This isn't how I wanted to have to leave my many friends and relationships that I had formed on the server, but yet I don't get to take this back now. Fearless was more to me than just a server; it meant friendships with great people, a community that was welcoming and open to all kinds of new players, and that of which gave my life some purpose during the days of schooling. I was too afraid to step outside of my house after the many years of being socially rejected and Fearless helped me cope with the world passing me by while I sat in idle at my computer desk. Fearless gave me hope, gave me the idea that I was good at something, and gave me life again after so much of me had died during those terrible years. Now it is all gone...
I know now that my friendships with those great people that I had met and who hadn't followed to the new community of Limelight will fade and soon be nothing but memories, and that is what is most difficult about this all. I burned a bridge to that of something had done me so much good and so now I am just left here to mourn of what I once had.
Goodbye
No words are right for what I want to say and the guilt that I feel for what I did. I destroyed something that meant very much to me and I turned my back on everyone in the community. I can never take back what I did and I don't expect any apologies for what I did isn't worthy of forgiveness; I will take my ban and I will carry it for the rest of my life and I will learn from it. My ban was justified in every way imaginable, and I deserve nothing better for what I did. I didn't turn my back on a Garry's Mod community, I turned my back on those that I love very much and that is unforgivable. I am not going to make a list of those who I want to thank for my experience here, I am going to send a private message to those on Steam who I think are deserving of one.
This is {IAJ}, [FL:RP], [FL:M], and finally [L²M] Theo signing off.
Goodbye, Fearless.
Maybe some day I will return.
Spoiler :
Throughout this goodbye thread I will be expressing my deep sorrows and regrets for what I have done, but I am not doing this for sympathy because that is not something I deserve. I made my choice and so I must live with it and I hate being looked down a pawn and for people to feel pity for me. Mistakes will be made, lessons will be learned.
The Beginning
I was first introduced to Garry's Mod through a friend named Hooter++, and I would soon grow to become addicted to the game's free-build gamemode as he and I would happily spend hours on it building, learning, and having NPC wars between each other. I wanted more, though. Freebuild quickly became boring and then that is when he introduced me to Fearless.
I was instantly hooked, and my career as an FL player would then begin with a ban for healing as a paramedic during a raid in the Nexus labs on v2d. The next day, I would then get my friend banned for he was a Police Officer and there was a dictator. Through my very wonderful thought process, I came up with the idea of him revolting against the government as an Officer so that he would have free access to the Nexus. I told him to be the distraction while I charged up the Nexus to the President's office to end his life, but my great plan would soon be foiled as an admin would ban my friend for multiple attempted RDMs. But despite him getting banned and feeling a little guilt for that, I would continue on and surpass all of my friends in hours very quickly as FL was something that I couldn't seem to put down. It was a whole new world of excitement, violence, and roleplay (something that I had never heard of before). But me, being the very antisocial person that I was (and still somewhat am today) would soon sink down into his own little contrafarming corner for the next few hundred hours until one of the greatest things of my FL life happened.
(Oh yeah, and then I also got banned for building a base with a wall that went all the way up to the skybox because I saw someone else do it and I thought that seemed like a good idea *slow claps*)
The Shadow Associate Agency
In my opinion, clans can really make the game for you because FL is a hell of a lot more fun when you have friends to accompany you an your journeys throughout the many hundreds of hours on the gamemode. For me, the S.A.A. was everything because it gave me friends, something to work towards, and a promising future for my FL career. I was surrounded by great people that cared for each other and me as well, and I only wish that I could have showed it more during my time. I am not a very trusting person, but I can wholeheartedly say that I trust every single one of these guys in the agency with everything and they have my everlasting thanks for that. I have been through more with them than any other petty friendship that I've had in real life and the comradeship that has formed from those experiences (to my hopes) will never be broken or withered by the sands of time.
Throughout my time in the agency I had been trained brutally, worked through endless exercises, and taught great amounts of discipline that would help keep my on the right path in FL. SAA wasn't just the greatest thing to happen to me on FL, it was also one of the greatest things to happen to me overall - real life and online. My loner status throughout my school gave me very few people to talk to and very few people to trust, but my friends in this clan gave me people to talk to and laugh with. I was finally having fun with others despite my fears of others after many years of being bullied in school.
We have been through wars, great times of peace, extremely long times of inactivity, and endless times of fun and laughter together. For all of this, I want to thank every agent, currently active or not, for making this all possible.
Fearless Moderator
Many of the newer members may not know this, but I'm sure some of the older ones do, but I have had two terms of being a moderator on the Fearless servers. My first term was that of spring of 2013, and I would say that I was very happy with how I conducted myself during that term. I attempted to be as fair and, most of all, understanding of others as much as possible during that and I probably gave out more warnings and blacklists than bans. I often times contemplated if I was too lenient or not, and whether my idea of being understanding was just that of weakness and ignorance of others. But regardless of my thoughts, my enjoyment of Garry's Mod in general was beginning to fade as I was beginning to grow tired of everything and I felt that I needed a break.
I would eventually resign and soon Enzyme would take my place as moderator.
Then comes my second term as moderator, and I tried to follow my old code as much as possible: banning is a last resort and should always be taken as such. My idea on blacklists is that they are much more effective and appropriate than bans for if you're banned, you can always go up and do something else and not worry about FL until the next day. But a blacklist makes you stay online and live with your mistake, live with your choice so that you are forced to learn what you did wrong.
All Good Things Come to an End
Now here comes it all, here comes the moment where I jumped off the deep end and made one of the worst decisions of my life. Now I can see many of you just thinking that it is a game and there are thousands of others out there that I can go and play, "Getting banned from one server isn't the end of the world." This is an end of a part of my life, though. I threw away 2,815 hours in one night where I was swept up in all the panic, hysteria, and chaos that was engulfing the city. I am going to make this perfectly clear, I am not trying to make it seem like I am the victim here. I am just as guilty as everyone else and I would even hold myself as more guilty than any person that came on just to destroy the server.
The city was in chaos, cars were being flung into the air, people were giving their items away causing turmoil and death as people rushed after millions of dollars. And now, almost every admin had resigned and there were only ex-administrators around to help defend it but we chose not to. I chose the side I did, and that was to cause havoc as well even though when I signed up for the job to be a server moderator, I made a silent promise to protect the server and the community that makes it up. I forgot why I was leaving to help create the new community, I forgot that it wasn't the Fearless community but Soul and his leadership. I became drunk on mob mentality and my own stupidity and began to take part in the tranquilizing of the people below the Tides Hotel and around AM PM on v33x. The Fearless community had been damaged in such a way it will never be the same; not to say it won't recover, but it certainly lost something that may never return. I chose to break it down even more for reasons I don't completely understand, and that is the worst part about it. I don't completely understand why I did what I did but that does not matter.
All good things have an end, and I guess this isn't exactly how I wanted this part of my life to leave me. This isn't how I wanted to have to leave my many friends and relationships that I had formed on the server, but yet I don't get to take this back now. Fearless was more to me than just a server; it meant friendships with great people, a community that was welcoming and open to all kinds of new players, and that of which gave my life some purpose during the days of schooling. I was too afraid to step outside of my house after the many years of being socially rejected and Fearless helped me cope with the world passing me by while I sat in idle at my computer desk. Fearless gave me hope, gave me the idea that I was good at something, and gave me life again after so much of me had died during those terrible years. Now it is all gone...
I know now that my friendships with those great people that I had met and who hadn't followed to the new community of Limelight will fade and soon be nothing but memories, and that is what is most difficult about this all. I burned a bridge to that of something had done me so much good and so now I am just left here to mourn of what I once had.
Goodbye
No words are right for what I want to say and the guilt that I feel for what I did. I destroyed something that meant very much to me and I turned my back on everyone in the community. I can never take back what I did and I don't expect any apologies for what I did isn't worthy of forgiveness; I will take my ban and I will carry it for the rest of my life and I will learn from it. My ban was justified in every way imaginable, and I deserve nothing better for what I did. I didn't turn my back on a Garry's Mod community, I turned my back on those that I love very much and that is unforgivable. I am not going to make a list of those who I want to thank for my experience here, I am going to send a private message to those on Steam who I think are deserving of one.
This is {IAJ}, [FL:RP], [FL:M], and finally [L²M] Theo signing off.
Goodbye, Fearless.
Maybe some day I will return.
![[Image: tgRQtsH.png]](https://i.imgur.com/tgRQtsH.png)
