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Touching Grass
#1
TL:DR - I'm out, won't be back ever (I promise <3)

Ayup, my name is Daniel, Pat, Orion, Xz or whatever you want. Not sure how long this is gonna be so don't bother reading it if you don't want to. I am leaving Fearless for good. No returning threads or stupid excuses full of blatant lies.

Playing Garry's Mod has ruined my life. Being in my room 12 hours a day for the past 6 years isn't healthy - although I have taken breaks from time to time. If it weren't for Garry's Mod I would be more social IRL, a better musician and doing much better than I am in school. The first time I joined the CityRP Gamemode was in August 2016 on Limelight Gaming, a relatively new community (compared to Fearless' history) developed from the "split" in 2015. I was 12. I was bullied because of my high voice, which was fine because I was too young to care. I was the average minge, much like how most of you saw Frost when he was younger, but I had no friends.

There were the occasional mates I would make but I'd unfortunately never saw or heard from them again, but that's just the way online gaming goes. We've all experienced the "Online 2 years ago" friend on Xbox or Steam or whatever.

I did make a few friends, few of which sometimes play here and I talk to sometimes.

I never fully took a break with LL until Mid 2018 where I had enough of people "bullying" me - so I got my stats wiped. Hours of hard work gone all because I was a pussy and couldn't take the little bit of banta other players were trying to have with me. I pretended to be a new player, but when people found out I blamed it on an Admin. I made a thread called "The Truth" where I explained it all, but it's quite oxymoronic because it was full of complete lies. I wanted attention, I wanted people to talk to me, I wanted people to care for me. Yea this sounds very Emo, and to this day I still do not know why I craved that much attention.

April 1st 2018 I made a new player thread on the FL forums after playing around for a while. I'd never fully been into the FL community, all I know where the legends and stories that revolved around the infamous "split" and the outcome of it. I had a clean slate, a new name, I was in the clear. I instantly proved myself to be a good passive roleplayer by earning quite a few RPPs in just a few days/weeks. My first one being from Panda, whom I was the first person I spoke to via mic on FL.

Being more confident with who I was as a person and my voice, I got involved a lot more in the community - talking to more people, roleplaying more, and trying to make friends. I had this weird obsession with Suicide Roleplays and I still have countless dupes saved. I lost someone I knew in 2018 to suicide and for some reason that stuck with me, even though I only spoke to him a few times. I was an idiot for trying to preserve his memory in a roleplay game by using the rope tool on an invisible pod.

I started being somewhat of an advocate for Mental Health. I even made a mental health thread where I shared some "helpful" tips. I did this because I wanted to help, but yet again I took it too far.

Throughout my time on Fearless I have been on the team once after a successful "Media Team" application - idk if you can even count it as being on the team tbh. I have made 2 contributor applications, 2 teacher applications and 1 staff application - all of which being denied for valid reasons.

My first teacher application got denied by Siphon, and I remember my 13 year old self crying at my desk because I was so excited to become a teacher because of the reputation the teachers had at the time. I played for a bit longer but then I eventually made a thread called "the position I'm at" where I pretended to be a mentally ill child for fake internet points. I lied to everyone, including myself. The craving for attention was simply overbearing, and what didn't help was the fact that I was actually getting it. I was getting discord messages left and right, forums REPs, nice comments on the thread itself. I built up this fake narrative of myself on FL - it was like I had to roleplay a character to roleplay a character. For all of this I am truly sorry, I have never been able to forgive myself for it and I probably never will - but I have learnt from it.

After the facade of faking a mental illness I then left the community with a goodbye thread stating 2 of my friends did a suicide pact in my room during a sleepover. Yet again this is completely false, I simply just wanted some attention because I felt like I wasn't getting enough. I left Lucky 7, the RP group I was in at the time (pretty much just wanted attention from admins) and left the community. People obviously thought this was fake and sent me messages on discord, I denied all claims of me lying and tried my best to keep the "Story of Pat" going for as long as possible. I then joined back a few months later - only to leave again for a few months later for "a situation related to death".

During this time I also got free donator from someone because I said I was working and helping my family out, when this was just not true.

I fucked about on Limelight for a while after that - where I became "Orion". Also tried to join the Media Team at some point, but got denied. I explored other games and took a small break from Garry's Mod as a whole.

The day the media team application was created was the day I made a return to Fearless. I have taught myself how to make amateur photoshop work, but was selfishly bold enough to call myself a "graphic designer". I somehow got the rank with Richie after a pathetic portfolio full of shit PFPs and signatures. I was incredibly happy when I received my team invite to the discord from Tomo.

As Media Team I fucked about with Richie, played around with the BETA Items, leaked from the team discord - even though nothing important was happening, voted yes for Wilson getting demoted from teacher(pretty sure), did 1 set of work for the donations page, arselicked the hell out of all the staff, was in the team vc 24/7 and was on the BETA server once to take some screenshots of the CCTV update that never saw the light of day (sorry if that's leaking <3).

Divey became owner. I remember being AFK in-game watching countless goodbye threads being posted and a "lifeboat" being formed. Wanting to join the bandwagon and fit in, I resigned from my highly prestigious role as media team to join the lifeboat. I had nothing against Divey although I didn't like the way he was owner. I joined the Divey hate club after making a goodbye thread. I yet again wanted attention, so that's what I got. I left all my mates who were on the team.

I joined back to Limelight a few weeks after, getting the Media Team role. Divey and Richie accused me of stealing work for the Donator page which is completely false. Richie gave me feedback on it, but I made it. To this day I still do not know why they both made these accusations. I made myself well-known (again) within the community, but this time as a hardcore aggressive roleplay. Farming weed and meth for 16 hours a day - getting my stats reset because I didn't want to known as a roleplayer.

I made friends, some of which I talked to very occasionally - one of which being Brave Solider, which I know has had quite the reputation here too. I became friends with Theomenz, which I then knew as Theo - sadly she does not talk to me anymore due to fact I kept blocking her (which is valid ofc). We absolutely dominated, winning nearly every raid in my psychological doomforts. Trying to trick the enemy and getting the ultimate element of surprise.

I left the media team after doing no work, so I could increase my reputation as an aggro toxic bitchboy. Limelight starting dying, and so did my passion of playing. I made a Contributor application on FL because I wanted to help out, but got denied by Divey because I was too mingy on Limelight - but I think it was purely just because he didn't like me. I didn't complain because it was his server and he can do whatever he wants.

I stalked the forums until a few weeks ago when Conn got owner.


Here is the true version of me:

My name is Daniel, I am 17. I am in Year 12 studying Classical Civilisation, Music and Geography A levels at a Sixth Form. I have 2 loving parents, one of which has had cancer in the past and now has it again. I am in BCT and Psycho-therapy and I am also on anti-depressants. I am finding out more about the way I am, and more importantly why I used to crave attention when I was younger. In December 2021 I attempted because I hated the way I was and used to be - I was a terrible person IRL to people, and I hated the way I lied to everyone on the internet. Since then I have learnt how to cope, process and accept the past and I am now focusing more on surviving, being more honest online (hence this entire mega-essay) and developing my career as a jazz musician. I plan to go to a conservatoire September 2023 to study Jazz performance.

I joined back to the community a few weeks ago after the owner transfer to see what was going on. I tried to mend relationships I had with a few people, but its difficult to understand that I was overreacting most of them. I think I am a terrible person for what I've done and for what I've said. I lied my way through everything and everyone on the server. To some this might seem like an overreaction, but this has taken a serious toll on me - I've been thinking of doing this thread for months.

Made a contributor application few weeks back and it got denied, which is perfectly fine. I don't really care. I've farmed 50% taxes at hours at a time but sadly I do think people are still being toxic to me (even when they probably aren't) - I still am the softie I was in 2018, but I'm coping.

There are a few things I can thank Garry's mod for doing:
- making me a better human,
- teaching me the consequences of my actions,
- what it's like to be in a position of authority,
- how to shoot.

In the days after this thread I will be trying to remove every bit of evidence there is of me on this site - apart from this thread. This thread will forever be a testament to me about all the things I have done wrong in my childhood and how I'm different and changing. To the few of you reading this thinking this thread has been a waste of time for you to read - thats okay. This is thread is for me to finally close this chapter of my life. I am starting a new chapter of my life and I do not want the mistakes I have learnt from to bleed into them.

I am truly very sorry for everything. Thank you to everyone who has been on this journey with me - good and bad. I'm going to list a few names of people who have made my time memorable and taught my valuable lessons - even without knowing it:

Lewwings, Peter White, Wilson, Ducktard, Jessixa, DoctorInternet, Bambo, Stell90, Theomenz, Conn, Arny, Panda, Divey, Daniel, Frost, Luminess, Slaint, Nightmare, Overlewd, Ketchup, Smex, Snow, Tomo, Richie, Jhahyw (idk spelling). Any others, thank you.

I am uninstalling Garry's Mod, and will figure out how to delete my forums thread account without getting rid of the thread. Don't try to contact me.

I'm out,
Daniel <3
The following 5 users Like User 21796's post:
  • Jessixa, max., Ausverkauft, Blaz, Lewwings
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#2
Shame Pat, you're a good guy and anyone that ever told you something differend is wrong. Simple as.

Take good care of yourself man, it's a wise choice leaving FL behind if you think that's the right thing to do, although I hope you'll manage your IRL situation and return some day.

I know you want to leave it all behind but if you need any help please do contact me via Discord. All the best!
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#3
bye bye
~ Equinox ~
_________________________
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#4
Goodbye Pat, it was nice speaking to you over the FL Discord. I hope you have a good life and thank you for explaining your situation and making it as clear as it can possibly be.

I would suggest however to try and not keep going over those memories several times to people as I'm sure I remember a similar thread years back and it will only make the situation direr needing to recall them memories too much. Sorry if I worded this badly.
pls rep so i can be famous like soulripper
The following 1 user Likes Jeffrey's post:
  • rino
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#5
Cya man, always welcome back. Definitely don’t dwell on the past, you can only improve yourself for the future, and I know if people held my past against me, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Always around for a chat, have a goodun
Regards,
Connnnnnnn

Consider giving me a rep point here.

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#6
Damn. That was quite the read.

Despite it being a lengthy saga with some surprising reveals - I don't think any less of you. But that doesn't matter. You've managed to build up on your own self-worth and self-confidence, and it shows.

Regardless of whether you read this or not: I wish you the very best of luck out there. It's been a pleasure getting to know you over the course of the last four years. Stay well!
 
[Image: jUcv1hb.png]
 
The following 1 user Likes Lewwings's post:
  • max.
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#7
Your a decent writer for 17 - I´ll give you that.

We've all had our periods on FL.

Just know you are always welcome.
You can leave and come back as many times as you want - but you will always be a part of FL!
Hope to see you on the forums.
[Image: h2.png]
Visit my profile here.
The following 1 user Likes Haarek's post:
  • max.
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#8
(07-04-2022, 05:21 PM)Haarek Wrote: Your a decent writer for 17 - I´ll give you that.

We've all had our periods on FL.

Just know you are always welcome.
You can leave and come back as many times as you want - but you will always be a part of FL!
Hope to see you on the forums.

You're

also byebye
The following 1 user Likes frost's post:
  • rino
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#9
(07-04-2022, 06:09 PM)frost Wrote:
(07-04-2022, 05:21 PM)Haarek Wrote: Your a decent writer for 17 - I´ll give you that.

We've all had our periods on FL.

Just know you are always welcome.
You can leave and come back as many times as you want - but you will always be a part of FL!
Hope to see you on the forums.

You're
Thank you Frost
[Image: h2.png]
Visit my profile here.
The following 1 user Likes Haarek's post:
  • frost
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#10
It's okay to make mistakes, everyone did
Had some of the most memorable time with you 

Good luck with your future dear! Will miss you
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