FUMUKU International

[Eisenhorn]

Important announcement, new files have been declassified for dissemination. This is the first of a series of files' known colloquially as the FUMUKU tales, describing the happenings of five persons within FUMUKU, ''Malkrin, Moist, Toxic, DubWub and Zaeed'

Spoiler: FUMUKU Tale 01

FUMUKU Tales
Why Zaeed is not allowed in the manufacturing division, and why working with him requires a degree in running very fast in the opposite direction.


'Ok were has that crazy bastard disappeared too now?' boomed Carthusia Malkrin, clearly agitated at the disappearance of Zaeed Massani, the head of the legal department, not in small part due to the large number of coincidental, fires, explosions, temporal rifts, or evaporation of third world countries, associated with his disappearances.

'Moist' looked up from his work station, and glanced sidelong at the incandescent and slightly nervous Malkrin. 'No idea boss, we aren't exactly encouraged to go looking for him, remember incident 87-B/S09?'
'Was that the one where Zaeed took a whole factory hostage whilst dressed in full military dress uniform, with a large scimitar, demanding that they stop producing toys which destroy the intellect and independent reasoning of today’s youth?' Enquired Malkrin, he had trouble keeping up with the 'missions' Zaeed often went on, at random, and the results.
'Ermm nope, it was the one where he took over Kharzam dressed as judge Dredd, and executed all the prisoners, and some of the guards for sympathetic feelings towards criminal scum' replied Moist, hoping Malkrin would get the message that nobody wanted to find Zaeed right now.

'Toxic' at this point burst into the room and immediately spilt the contents of the replacement water cooler over Moist, much to the humour of all in the room, and to Moist's displeasure continuing his long running nickname. 'I think I know where he's gone and you want like it'.
'We never do' retorted 'DubWub' from the corner of the room.
'Yeah well, I ran his library records to see what exactly he might be thinking of late' Toxic calmly reposted, before handing the records to Malkrin.
'I see' murmured Malkrin scratching his chin, 'why exactly would anyone let him take books on this subject matter exactly?'
'Absolutely no idea but there's only one facility big enough to construct this, where we wouldn't think to look, I’ve already got a HAPC on standby to fly us there'
'Goodjob alright everyone gear up, and prepare a large dose of sedatives, he's been missing for two weeks and my paperwork wont do itself you know!'

The HAPC gleaming black against the backdrop of the setting sun, and the desert, glinted in the crepuscular light, the blue haze of it's engines barely noticeable above the sheer heat of the desert. Even from their position high in the sky, they could see the mass scorching across the desert, and large patches of glass, that could not possible be natural.
Popping flares the HAPC rolled violently to evade any potential AA defences established, whilst it was unlikely Zaeed would try to kill them all, whatever he was least likely to do, was more often than not what he did.
Upon touch down, the team of four disembarked the HAPC, weary and wary, the heat already playing it's toll upon them, sweat near but blinding them, they moved with stealth towards the facility ahead of them, weapons raised, and ready to sedate any threat, the ominous facility loomed above them, and from within they could all hear the sound of heavy machinery, welding and steel scraping on steel, against the backdrop of silent desert and its howling wind, this served only to confirm their suspicions.

Approaching the facility first Toxic tapped his short range microbead radio twice, to indicate it was safe to move up, the rest of the team hurried in behind him, and took up position. 'What exactly is this place' asked Malkrin, pointing at the vast steel rolling machines, chemical storage vats, and cold forging apparatus. Toxic shook his head and shrugged in dismissal, in truth no-one knew, except Zaeed, he clearly knew they were there, because at that moment several hundred tonnes of reinforced steel rolled down blocking the entrances to the facility.

Moist pointed at the facility and began to yell, 'we need to move fast, and get clear now'
Dubwub scoffed at this rolling his shoulders dismissively, 'why on earth would we run, we've got that lunatic cornered right here, right now'.
'Because those lights, just went from red to green, and a whole series of lights are now illuminating a path into the desert, given what he's like and what he's building, shut your mouth and fucking RUN!' screamed Moist.
His intervention was timely, for as the squad sprinted for their life, a blinding flash enveloped the facility, steel buckled and twisted, and the sound shook them physically and mentally, the concussive shock wave flattened them all, and they turned to see a good mile of the desert was now billowing white smoke and was aflame, it was like Hell had spat upon the earth, the flames were all consuming.
Then they saw him, walking towards them. Arms outstretched, his skin stained black from soot, machine grease and oil, wearing welding goggles, a tank top and black cargo trousers, it was hard to tell who it was, but the deep cackle gave it away. Approaching Carthusia slowly and casually, he grabbed the man in a friendly hug, and laughed 'where have you been bossman?, I’ve been expecting you!' he turned to face the others and nodded at them, each in turn nodding back.
'Mind explaining the flaming desert, and your disappearance?' Malkrin challenged, slowly scowling at the still laughing Zaeed, who was observing the fire with almost spiritual reverence.
'Isn't it beautiful' he laughed 'Gentleman welcome to the Malebolge [REDACTED] testing facility, you see I had an idea, and well ya know'
'last time you had one of them a whole nation disappeared Zaeed' laughed Toxic.
'Yeah well, follow me gentleman and let me show you what I’ve been upto'.
Leading them into the facility through the buckled remnants of the door, they all struggled to see at first through the smoke, but the shape grew clearer, as the smoke and haze twisted around it, making it look almost demonic, like a malevolent demon wrought of iron, gazing upon them.
Toxic was the only one to speak, and all he could manage was 'God is dead'

End of report.

Yours faithfully, Director of FUMUKU Legal Services, Z.Massani I.D 3514