FUMUKU International

[Eisenhorn]

Pursuant to discussion with the managing director of FUMUKU International I hereby circulate this document, against my wishes, please read it in it's entirety (p.s there's really no need) This letter, sadly, comes straight from Carthusia Malkrin himself.

Spoiler :

Please find enclosed a list of things Z.Massani is not permitted to do whilst working for FUMUKU International.

Revised List

1. While it is true that "No one expects the FUMUKU Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing.
2. Z. Massani is not king of anywhere. Or queen. Not even while in drag.
3. Should not replace the buckshot in Mr Malkrins shotgun shells with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust, or sexual lubricant.
4. Should not replace staffs' lamp with a "novelty" lamp shaped like a marital aid.
(1. Should not replace staffs marital aids with a 'novelty' aid shaped like a lamp.
5. Z. Massani must never come in contact with anyone under the age of 18. Let him contact them. It's the only way they'll learn. Just because it is a learning experience, does not mean anyone needs to come in contact with Massani.
6. Not allowed to go off my medication.
(1. Not allowed to pretend I have any medication to be on.
7. May not use any form of the word 'accident' as an excuse.
8. Violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays.
(1. No matter how many times you say please, Z. Massani, we won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.
9. [DATA REDACTED ON A++ REQUEST]. Not even for recreational use.
10. Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Cult of Jesus.
11. Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
(1. But is allowed to end with lyrics from the Safety Dance.
(2. The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden until he gets lessons for the foreseeable future.
12. Z. Massani is not allowed anywhere near a Renaissance Festival.
(1. Especially not with D-class in garb.

(2. Z. Massani is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, a doctor of psychology, a member of FUMUKU Int HQ Command, made out of bacon, in possession of a IQ over 300, or a member of Maintenance Staff. (Sorry boys, Z. Massani IS a member of FUMUKU Int HQ Command. It's usually best not to ask why.)
13. No longer allowed to make up jodles for morning calisthenics.
(1. Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song.
14. Z. Massani is not from an alternate timeline.
(1. Z. Massani cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline".
(2. Or to "corrupt the timelime".
(3. Or to "screw with those history nerds".
15. Z. Massani no longer allowed use of thimbles in any aspect.
16. Toxic and Z. Massani are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator.
(1. Moist does not count as a responsible administrator.
17. Chainsaws are not the solution to every question.
(1. Nor is 'More Chainsaws'.
(2. Or "Chainsaw cannons"
18. [REDACTED], [REDACTED] hard.
19. Z. Massani is not allowed to administer spankings to ANYONE as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken.
(1. NO-ONE is allowed to spank the monkey.
(2. Nor are they allowed to shock the monkey.
20. Z. Massani is not allowed to "review female researchers' office security tapes".
21. Z. Massani is no longer allowed to utter the phrase "More than 1,000 babies" in the presence of any FUMUKU personnel.
22. Nothing in FUMUKU International is rated 'Over 9000.'
23. Stop posting classified information on 4-chan.
24. If it involves doing something wrong, it isn't right.
25. If Z. Massani has to ask, it's above his clearance level.
(1. If it's above Massani's security clearance… run.
26. Z. Massani is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
27. A stripper a day keeps the doctor away. Z. Massani is not allowed to contribute to this list. Besides, ██% of FUMUKU staff have their Ph.D. It'd take more than one stripper to keep them away.
(1. Strike that last sentence. Z. Massani, I don't know where you found a 300-pound midget stripper with three teeth and severely disfiguring [DATA EXPUNGED], but please put her him it back.
28. FUMUKU credit cards or expense accounts are not to be used to purchase pornography.
29. Z. Massani is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to himself as such. Especially on official documents.
30. Z. Massani is not the Lord of Rodly Might.
(1. And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons and Dragons '
31. Z. Massani is not allowed to go to fan conventions.
(1. Let alone use them as recruitment drives.
(2. Especially not at Furry Conventions.
32. "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
33. "My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse.
(1. Nor is "My good twin did it," considering the implications.
34. Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again.
35. Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric Fuck Load' is straight out denied.
36. Z. Massani is no longer allowed to play "Hippocratic Oath Chicken" with the medical staff.
37. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
38. Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because they "liquefied in record time."
39. Attempts to use FUMUKU International radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.
40. Despite his alleged doctoral degree, Z. Massani is not allowed to either prescribe or administer any of the following:
(1. any sort of medication
(2. enemas
(3. homeopathic remedies
(4. free hugs
(5. the healing power of laughter
(6. sexual healing
(7. 'more cowbell'
41. Not allowed to use this list as a checklist.
42. Z. Massani is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem.

43. Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that female staff are ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of their breasts under laboratory conditions.
(1. Z. Massani is no longer allowed near any photocopier.
44. If Z. Massani is ever found under the influence of any recreational substance, he must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm.
(1. If Z. Massani is found deliberately getting high to get out of paperwork, he is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with cold water from a pressurised hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad, m'kay?
45. Z. Massani cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt.
46. There are no security codes for:
(1. Zombie conga line
(2. Badass hat
(3. Vampire can-can
(4. Disco corpse
(5. Intense homoeroticism (I do not want to know…)
(6. Hoo mama
(7. Necrophilia (I do NOT want to know!)
(8. Extreme crotch violence
(9. Man disguised as a palm tree
(10. Man with porn 'stache
(11. Kung fu rasta
(12. Puppy-eating monks
(13. Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers.
(14. Massani Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze outside your door.)
47. Just because Massani is a doctor does not mean that he is the Doctor, no matter how British he is.
(1. Tying up female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out.
48. Z. Massani is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
1. Your soul
2. Anyone else's soul
3. Virgin's blood
4. Reproductive organs
5. Memories (real or imagined)
6. Pieces of your past I have no idea how that worked with Toxic, but apparently he can do it.
7. The island of Manhattan
8. Beads
9. Firstborn children
10. Second-born children
11. Red-headed stepchildren
12. Rented mules
13. Gold spun from straw
14. A child's laughter
15. A child's tears
16. Virginity

17. Kitten tears.
18. Anyone's grandmother
19. Anyone's sister
49. Z. Massani is not allowed to use examples from Star Trek when administering Turing tests to artificial intelligences of any sort. In fact, Rule 20 applies to AIs as well. Computer hardware does not grow on trees, dammit!
50. Z. Massani is not allowed to enter any science labs unsupervised. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking.
(1. No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE"
(2. Or even as "Science for the Science God". Z. Massani is also not allowed to refer to himself as such either.
51. Z. Massani is not allowed to send anything into the past, future, or to alternate dimensions.
52. Z. Massani is not allowed to make, accept, or take a rake-off on, bets concerning End-of-the-World Scenarios.
53. Z. Massani is not allowed to get on the PA system at FUMUKU Int HQ and announce that he just won The Game You know what, Z. Massani is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever.
54. Z. Massani is not allowed to order anyone to infiltrate the women's locker room.
55. Massani and Toxic are no longer allowed to engage in research any activity involving 40 gallons more than a pound any amount of superballs.
(1. Also, the aforementioned are not to convince blackmail compel D-Class personnel anybody into conducting such activities for them.
56. Z. Massani is not allowed to dress up as Joseph Stalin and ambush Agent Strelnikov in the hallways.
(1. Actually, Z. Massani shouldn't be allowed to dress up as any Communist dictator, there's no way it could end well.
57. Z. Massani is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu more than a day in advance six hours in advance at all, nor is he to get anyone else to access it for him, directly or indirectly.
58. Z. Massani is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints. The last time that happened he somehow managed to cause an earthquake in the east cost of the United States. Z. Massani is not allowed to claim responsibility for earthquakes and other natural disasters unless he is actually responsible for them.
59. When ordering things online, send them to PO Box ████ and not directly to FUMUKU Int HQ . We've already had three postmen show up at the front door. (How did they even find us?) Z. Massani is not to give directions to FUMUKU Int HQ to non-FUMUKU personnel.
60. Z. Massani is no longer allowed to give navigational directions to FUMUKU Int HQ  anywhere, even especially to FUMUKU personnel.
61. Any proposed security procedure that includes the phrase "Giant Robot" is to be automatically rejected.
62. Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using it does not make Z. Massani a Jedi.
63. He does not possess any of the following:
(1. "laser" eyes.
(2. "laser" nostrils.
(3. "laser" [REDACTED].
(4. a Green Red ANY Lantern Ring.
(5. an "adamantium" skeleton.
(6. Anduril.
(7. Mjolnir.
(8. a map leading to "ALL OF THE NAZI GOLD".
(9. the "Ancient" medallion
(10. a copy of the Necronomicon
(11. cybernetic implants of any kind.
(12. the "Dragonzord". I don't care how you did it, put it BACK.
(13. the 7th Element of Harmony.
(14. the touch.
(15. the power.
(16. telepathy.
(17. telekinesis.
(18. the original filming model of any fictional spacecraft.
(19. 1337 H4x00r sKi11z.
(20. the 6th sense
(21. The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
64. If Z. Massani's is sighted near an armory without express permission, initiate Evacuation Procedure ███-██.
65. Z.Massani is not allowed to access the IT department hotline Access the IT department database Access any networking equipment belonging to the IT department.
66. Z. Massani is not allowed to go trick-or-treating, ever.
67. Z. Massani is not the "final boss" of anything.
68. Z. Massani has not "won the internet" and is not authorized to declare that any other individual has done so.
69. Z. Massani is not to show junior staffers his 'cutie mark'.
70. Z. Massani is not allowed to submit any incident reports to the Darwin Awards. Not even if you are sure it would win.
71. Z. Massani is not allowed to test internet "Creepypasta" rites using Class-D personal.
72. The answer to a containment breach is never to "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude".
(1. Or to "send five rings to five special young people".
(2. Or to ask junior staffers if they are "bad enough dudes" to contain the breach.
73. Z. Massani is not allowed to claim he "has been trained to conquer galaxies".
74. Z. Massani does not remind anyone of "the babe with the power of voodoo", and is not allowed to tell anyone else that they remind him of same.
75. The Chaos Insurgency has no interest in "summoning Daemons to the material universe to serve the Ruinous Powers of Chaos" and therefore, Z. Massani is not permitted to inform new researchers otherwise.
76. Z. Massani is not "The Holder of the End," nor is he "The Holder of Immortality" or of anything else, including "█ ███ ████"
77. Posting official intercepted S.A.A documents on James Bond forums as "genuine spy stuff" is not allowed.
78. Anything involving the words "elephant sauce". FUMUKU Int HQ is still recovering from the last incident.
79. Z. Massani is not to use this list as a resume.
80. Use of double triple quadruple ANY number of negatives to obtain security clearances will result in the repetition of kindergarten swift punishment..
81. Even if Z. Massani is wearing an eyepatch, he is not allowed to "Keel-Haul" anyone.
(1. Not even on "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
(2. Talk Like a Pirate Day is not allowed to be celebrated at FUMUKU Int HQ ██. Any personnel violating this rule will walk the plank be severely disciplined.
(3. There is no such thing as "Talk Like a Ninja" day, and Z. Massani is not allowed to create it.
82. Z. Massani is no longer allowed to interview new personnel.
(1. Even Especially not if they ask for him.
83. To avoid being used as inspiration, Z. Massani is not allowed to view new additions to this list untill at least one week after they are posted.
84. Z. Massani is not allowed access to Popular Science Magazine. That How 2.0 section is way too dangerous for Massani to see now that they've shown how to create cyborg cockroaches.
85. Z. Massani is not allowed to "go on crusade".
(1. Or on "jihad".
(2. Z. Massani is not permitted to issue fatwas against anyone or anything.
86. All FUMUKU personnel are now required to attend a seminar on the difference between an original idea and a good idea before being allowed new or continuing contact with Z. Massani, Toxic, or Moist.
87. Z. Massani does not have ten tons of gold hidden somewhere at FUMUKU Int HQ .
88. Z. Massani is not a wizard, no matter what he might tell you.
(1. He is not an alchemist either, and is not to be consulted regarding alchemical issues.
(2. Or a witch.
(3. Z. Massani is not magic and cannot perform magic, and must give sufficient explanation for any actions he undertakes.
89. Z. Massani is not allowed to perform any tests or experiments utilizing the reproductive organs of any dead or living being, including himself.
90. Z. Massani is not allowed to create, or to arrange for the creation of, freeware games based on contained objects and release them onto the internet.

and hey if you didn't read it and I do anything on that list i'm not meant too, it's your fault.

Yours faithfully Z.Massani, director of FUMUKU legal services, I.D 3514