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+---- Thread: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 4 RELEASED (/showthread.php?tid=18528)
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 3 RELEASED - DerStorm - 09-15-2012
(09-15-2012, 04:54 PM)Wiseguy Wrote:Quote:“Gentlemen, ladies, my children, “But there is a few complications with it, our normal supplier of firearms have been rendered unable to smuggle his weapons here. The police took him in a night raid. We will have to use a local supplier instead, I have already made contact with a person that have been recommended to me”.
Usually, a Italian crime family would never involve women or small children, even if they were in the family. I know that you didn't say how old the children were but my statement on the women still remains the same.
I like the story, seems you put alot of work into it, I probably read it just because you wanted to write about La Cosa Nostra and I was fairly interested in what you had to write, I saw a error in the first chapter where you put: “ Don’t worry, he will come. He won’t miss his hour of glory” so there was a space between the " and the text, also I see that you really like to write about details as I saw in the second chapter, It wasn't bad but I would say a tad bit boring after little while, the start was exciting but when you switched roles it became a little.. Yeah.
I would give it a 8/10 for the great storytelling.
Ah it seems we got ourself a critic here. I will start by thanking you for the work you put into writing your review. It seems you have made a few mistakes through but they were fairly acceptable. The Father is a former reverend that is the reason he greets them as his children and another mistake that mostly befalls on me is that Isabella isn't a part of the Family, she is related to James Blake and was taken with him when they fled Italy. She mostly cleans and cooks around the house and the Father just acknowledged she was there as he spoke. I will give your review 8/10 for the fact that you actually read through it all and cared about the details. It is also great to see another person that knows of La Cosa Nostra. Oh yeah and mistakes in the text will occur, I haven't got time to reread them too often.
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 3 RELEASED - DerStorm - 09-20-2012
Dear god, I finally did it! I finally finished chapter 4, it might be a wee smaller than the rest of them but I felt you needed to see a little more interaction between the different members of the Family and show of areas of the map.
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 3 RELEASED - Adman - 09-20-2012
Great news! I shall have a gander in the morning.
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 3 RELEASED - Dr Tomorrow - 09-20-2012
I shad a tear every time I re read it
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 4 RELEASED - Faustie - 09-23-2012
Stickied to keep this going and easily visible, 'tis a nice example of FL.
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 4 RELEASED - Dr Tomorrow - 09-23-2012
DerStorm
From now on
You are one of my favorite:
1) modern writers
2) Internet writers
3) Young writers
(P.S. yes I do have categories for all those above, because I read quite a lot of stories)
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 4 RELEASED - Ludo - 09-26-2012
Brilliant simply Brilliant!
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 4 RELEASED - MattyG56 - 10-17-2012
Y'know i've always wanted to write a story about FALLOUT 3 and now this story I think gave me inspiration and I also think this should be published cause I havent even read the whole thing,the first chapter was all I needed so I shall carry on reading.
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 4 RELEASED - Adman - 10-17-2012
(10-17-2012, 03:24 PM)MattyG56 Wrote: Y'know i've always wanted to write a story about FALLOUT 3 and now this story I think gave me inspiration and I also think this should be published cause I havent even read the whole thing,the first chapter was all I needed so I shall carry on reading.
By all means carry on and try and create your dream. I'm sure we'd love to read it and offer you constructive criticism and feedback.
RE: The tale of EvoCity or the ballad of the Father - CHAP 4 RELEASED - DerStorm - 05-03-2013
By god, how could I forget about this story? Better get started on chapter 5.